Tuesday, August 21, 2012

Heart most pliable

On the early evening of 31 March I began a blog entry with these words, "Sitting at a Iocked country gate...", and never got further.
It turned out a disastrous evening slopping over with wrong choices made in my Ego; and with disregard and disdain for those who loved and trusted me.
In retrospect, and that's why I'm posting this and the pic I took at the time - as a stark and brutal reminder to myself - that a life of love, gentleness, kindness and respect for ALL is the only life, is life.
It was also a reminder that I must not unnecessarily open doors...especially when I was warned in advance by my intuition, by my own damn-hard-earned common sense.
Keep dangerous doors shut, it's just not worth the grief and emptiness that comes not far behind the all too widespread seeking for instant gratification. (Keep it simple and streamlined I've learned; think before you turn the handle: where could this take you, and how long before you're back at this intersection and can make amends, and take the less obvious, but peace-filled path into the forest?)
But, it was one of the beginnings of my fall...since then, I am most grateful and humbled to write, my soul has been sifted and my former skin sloughed: the combination was excruciatingly painful (way beyond my descriptive skills), and not that the process is necessarily, nor completely done with me yet.
I am a better man for it; a humbler, kinder, and more loving and lovable one too, and that's while acknowledging, fully, my many, many fault-lines.
And with jagged-ragged-and-raw nerve ends I've stared into depression's inferno-abyss: I'll never be the same again; thank God.
My heart is pliable; which is probably my saving grace, and why I'm not dead (on every level).

1 comment:

Monkey Man said...

You have looked into the eye of the beast...and survived! A willingness to allow change is a perfect place to be my friend...keep looking forward :)