Friday, August 31, 2012

It is begun

Piet Retief, Mpumalanga: A bowl of steaming oats with honey, a pot of rooibos tea at a table bathed in almost-Spring sunshine; in what must be the most garish Wimpy diner of them all.
My journey is begun, my new chapter too.
The KwaZulu-Natal border is not far away.
Tonight Lee and I will picnic on the coast edge at Salt Rock as the blue moon rises out of the mighty Indian Ocean.
Josh, dear Josh, who has been so good to me, sent me the "welcome" photo; Monkey Man took the sunrise photo on Wednesday morning as he meditated on the edge of Lake Michigan, a 5-minute walk away from his home: he has supported me through the darkest period of my life.
The photo has inspired me, I intend greeting the sun out of the ocean as often as I can from tomorrow morning.
I need to thank Lee too, from the bottom of my heart, for the lessons, for his unconditional love.
I am blessed. Angels abound. I am blessed.
Thank You

Tuesday, August 21, 2012

Heart most pliable

On the early evening of 31 March I began a blog entry with these words, "Sitting at a Iocked country gate...", and never got further.
It turned out a disastrous evening slopping over with wrong choices made in my Ego; and with disregard and disdain for those who loved and trusted me.
In retrospect, and that's why I'm posting this and the pic I took at the time - as a stark and brutal reminder to myself - that a life of love, gentleness, kindness and respect for ALL is the only life, is life.
It was also a reminder that I must not unnecessarily open doors...especially when I was warned in advance by my intuition, by my own damn-hard-earned common sense.
Keep dangerous doors shut, it's just not worth the grief and emptiness that comes not far behind the all too widespread seeking for instant gratification. (Keep it simple and streamlined I've learned; think before you turn the handle: where could this take you, and how long before you're back at this intersection and can make amends, and take the less obvious, but peace-filled path into the forest?)
But, it was one of the beginnings of my fall...since then, I am most grateful and humbled to write, my soul has been sifted and my former skin sloughed: the combination was excruciatingly painful (way beyond my descriptive skills), and not that the process is necessarily, nor completely done with me yet.
I am a better man for it; a humbler, kinder, and more loving and lovable one too, and that's while acknowledging, fully, my many, many fault-lines.
And with jagged-ragged-and-raw nerve ends I've stared into depression's inferno-abyss: I'll never be the same again; thank God.
My heart is pliable; which is probably my saving grace, and why I'm not dead (on every level).


When the soul wishes to experience something she throws an image of the experience out before her and enters into her own image - Meister Eckhart

Tuesday, August 14, 2012

Begins to see : God's Window

In a dark time, the eye begins to see. - Theodore Roethke

God's Window, Mpumalanga: Took these pictures at dusk, with Lee, on Friday, 3 August. We had last been there together, at a similar time of day, on 19 March: bookends.
That evening, when we got home, while lying on the bed exhausted and talking, a turning point was reached. I believe we realised it, but not its magnificent extent.

I am emerging.

Despite it snowing last week this time in all 9 of our provinces - maybe unheard of? - spring is emerging, in me too, and it's a beautiful day. With trepidation I got home last night after more than a week away. I've opened all the windows and doors....

Tuesday, August 07, 2012

Iced heart

Today has been my best day in weeks... felt slightly normal: look I'm blogging, albeit barely (no self-judgement, the load is heavy enough!).
Will never ever underestimate depression again, especially not in other people's lives... it's a terrible and debilitating illness that sucks the life out of a human being. It's an illness.
Carried a tune, with joy, as I left the shopping centre just now; it was where I took myself for dinner on my artist's date (another two good signs).

It was sleeting in Johannesburg today; the roads between Gauteng and KwaZulu-Natal provinces were shut down because of heavy snow and ice. It's freezing cold in this city; but I'm loving the cold and extreme moodiness of the weather; I value most the sharply jagged glimpses of sunshine.
And, with enormous anticipation, I look exceedingly forward to getting into bed with the electric blanket on 'roast' (pardon the over-emphasis).