Chair in the corner

Two weeks ago my family convinced me to travel to Johannesburg and to see a doctor; red warning lights were flashing on my dashboard..
He diagnosed me with severe depression, severe anxiety and very high stress levels in seven out of eight areas of my life.
I had no idea that I was depressed, nor - as I now realize - did I have any idea what depression was, nor how long the signs had been showing, nor how debilitating, devastating and awful it is.
I am grateful for my new eyes, because I'd like to reach out to anyone in my life suffering from it. Before I lived it and almost suffocated in it, I could never have had even begun to understand it.
Empathy. Love. And grace.
What a pretty green colour the chair.

All these things shall love do unto you

All these things shall live do unto you that you may know the secrets of your heart, and in that knowledge become a fragment of Life's heart.

But if in your fear you would seek only love's peace and love's pleasure,
Then it is better for you that you cover your nakedness and pass out of love's threshing-floor.
Into the seasonless world where you shall laugh, but not all of your laughter, and weep, but not all of your tears.

Love gives naught but itself and takes naught but from itself.
Love possesses not nor would it be possessed;
For love is sufficient unto love.

When you love you should not say, "God is in my heart," but rather, "I am in the heart of God."
And think not you can direct the course of love, for love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.

Love has no other desire but to fulfill itself.
But if you love and must needs have desires, let these be your desires:
To melt and be like a running brook that sings its melody to the night.
To know the pain of too much tenderness.
To be wounded by your own understanding of love;
And to bleed willingly and joyfully.
To wake at dawn with a winged heart and give thanks for another day of loving;
To rest at the noon hour and meditate love's ecstasy;
To return home at eventide with gratitude;
And then to sleep with a prayer for the beloved in your heart and a song of praise upon your lips.

- The Prophet, Kahlil Gibran

Speak to us of Love

And he answered:
People of Orphalese, of what can I speak save of that which is even now moving within your souls?

Then said Almitra, Speak to us of Love:
And he raised his head and looked upon the people, and there fell a stillness upon them. And with a great voice he said:
When love beckons you, follow him,
Though his ways are hard and steep.
And when his wings engulf yield to him,
Though the sword hidden among his pinions may wound you.
And when he speaks to you believe in him,
Though his voice may shatter your dreams as the north wind lays waste the garden.
For even as love crowns you so shall he crucify you. Even as he is for your growth so is he for your pruning.
Even as he ascends to your heights and caresses your tenderest branches that quiver in the sun,
So shall he descend to your roots and shake them in their clinging to the earth.
Like sheaves of corn he gathers you into himself.
He threshes you to make you naked.
He sifts you free from your husks.
He grinds you to whiteness.
He kneads you until you are pliant;
And then he assigns you to his sacred fire, that you may become sacred bread for God's sacred feast.

- The Prophet: Kahlil Gibran

Coffee time... take-it-all-in time

Seattle coffee shop, Menlyn: I made the mistake of taking to the road today, which I presume was the tail-end of the Innibos arts festival in Nelspruit. It took me three and a half hours to get to Pretoria.

Along the way I stopped at Millys to put in fuel. There was an MP-registration vehicle at the pump in front of me. When the attendant took the pump spout out of his tank some petrol overflowed down the side of his car.

The driver erupted, started screaming at the attendant in the worst possible language & then got aggressive, pushing him around because the "f**king idiot spilt petrol on his car".

My mouth hung open at the raw agression, nay hatred (and consequent humility) directed at another human being who made a miniscule 'mistake' during the course of probably one of the busiest days in the year at Millys.

And this from someone most likely on his way back from the festival weekend (he then headed in the Witbank direction with his wife). I'd hate to see him in peak hour on a Friday afternoon ... other's lives would be at serious risk.

I had many hours - in sometimes bumper-to-bumper traffic - to let this gruesome scenario play itself over and over in my mind... ironically sowing poison and hatred in me.

Firstly I berated myself for having not done something, for having not said something while this played itself on a very busy, public stage. In all honesty I believe my instinct warned me that I was at phsical risk, that I could have sparked off a situation that would also have put the attendant at further serious risk (he also instintively backed down), never mind myself.

The attendant was working another pump when about 15 minutes later I left. I stopped next to him and all I managed was an "Are you okay?" and a clumsy "Never ever let someone like that get you down buddy," before driving off. At least I had the satisfaction of his beautiful, relieved smile.

On the road, refusing to drive faster than 100 (no more rushing, 'going nowhere fast' for me I promised myself once I ejected myself from the rat race - I choose to live in The Now, in This Moment, every second of every day, even when on the road. The destination is essentially irrelevant) while the road hogs roared past (despite the petrol price) I found that as part of my personal healing and choice to live fully as a free human being, I had to forgive myself.

To forgive for being hard on myself, also for the hatred I'd allowed to grow in me. Hatred breeds hatred ... but only if you allow it to. I had to also forgive the perpetrator... we can never ever allow ourselves to judge ANYONE no matter what they have done (certainly be angry!). Only God knows the hearts of men... and their reasons (mostly extremely deep-seated in hurt) for their actions.

In forgiving I was able to free and release myself, and to dissolve my hatred. Only then was I able to enjoy the magnificent winter sky above and the khaki veld on either side.

And I knew, more than ever before, that our lives on this planet are about love and NOTHING else. Consequently I resolve to be kinder, more generous and compassionate. I resolve to love much more. Especially strangers. By one step, one smile and one kind word at a time I intend to make my world a better place.

Just love... .

(Posted on my Nokia E90 Communicator from a Seattle coffee shop table, inspired by a rich, 'tall mocha'. Coffee has the power to change the world!)