Tuesday, January 22, 2013

Lost for words

Languid Sunday afternoon.
Reading the newspaper on the couch in tepid sunlight even further dappled by overgrown trees-shrubs; they're clamouring slow-motion-at-the-cottage-pane-window to get in: hello and welcome; I'm bitten by a lethally striped mosquito on my forearm and calf.
Itching like hell.
The red Bodum plunger, still erect and yet to depress my Jacobs Krone, matches (perfectly) my opened red Leuchtturm notebook. Louis bought it for me in Berlin, last birthday. Although enormously less valuable than any of Bruce Chatwin's Moleskines, I've also inscribed its first page with reward of found and my mobile number. Sentimental value. And for fun.
Was listening, with interest before the attack, to a literature on SAfm interview with Marguerite Poland about her recently launched book taken captive by birds.
Worried about money; about the dark ink spilt around the swampy edges in my mind; about compromising myself with work that is not my work - yet prostrate with fear at doing what I love to.
I'm alone at home. Gratefully.
A lumbering and old but handsome Doberman is asleep and twitching at my feet; Sasha the blonde German Shepherd with wolf harking back three generations is much quieter in her sleep. Her back's turned to me; she's too far away to stroke, my desire to do so in not enough to overcome my inertia.
Especially as I'm bleakly contemplating my immediate future; I've struggled these last few weeks.
I've been, until now, lost for words.
Writing is therapeutic. I've always practiced that. Through most bleakness.
The start to this year's been particularly challenging for me; how to remain true.
Wolfed down the Sugarman documentary about the musician Rodriguez last night. So glad I never missed it after missing it on the art cinema beat.
Scratch my toe. Then scrunch my beard. Feel black deep rings beneath my eye pools; they seek-and-twist-and-twirl-drill into my skull the dark ink spilt.
At least words. At very least-most.

Two day's later. Today's a different day. My inertia is so stolid that I struggle to post Sunday's word, achieving it only now.
It was my crack of dawn plunge into a most perfect ocean, naked on all accounts, and the beach flowers, and the quality light that lifts my chin from the ground.

Wednesday, January 09, 2013

Home alone

I'm back from my long walk along the ocean's edge and into the dusk. I needed quite time, alone time with me and my maker. I sought to be buffeted and torn at by the wind straight off the choppy sea. I sought to walk into the moody-rain-weather-storm that is forecast to arrive here tonight after its journey up the Eastern Cape coast, then today the Transkei and KZN south coast. The storm that's just begun to buffet this tree obscured and mysterious double story wooden house that I've so grown to love since I moved in here on 30 August last year. It's so different, and so is this world, to my home and former life in Waterval Boven.

The lights were on downstairs when I got back, wet with perspiration wrenched from me by the oppressive humidity. I could see the welcoming warmth of the home through the branches; there's no wall or fence separating the house from the street. And blonde Sasha came to the door, tail wagging, soft fur snout smiling.

The home, unusually empty and almost quiet, put arms around me. A sharp old fashioned click and the ancient blaring in the background hi-fi was off; silence, instantly, thank God.

Now, on the bed, I'm reading - in the warm light of my minimalist room - Dorothea Brande.

Friday, December 28, 2012

in the Ocean's orchestra pit; i am

Salt Rock: Sitting on my favorite outcrop in a maelstrom of wind, sound, sun and salt spray;
Gulping-in-deep the tang-salt of the-Ocean; this is most definitely not a sea;
December's summer sun on my skin; i'm in nothing but baggies;
After a deep, wonderful night's sleep - a gift to me - i plunged, barefoot, from bed - to - street - to - beach straight after waking:
i am the hot tar beneath my soul;
i am the clay-mud on the soggy path down to the sea squishing my toes and squirming my nails;
i am the crab that scuttled the rock pool, also the one suicide bombing from a rock when i surprised it and it me;
i am the salt invisible on the air;
i am the tang woven between my nostril hairs;
i am me. I am you. I am the divine. I am the Ocean, the Sky and the Clouds;
i am the rock beneath my bum and feet;
i am solid and rock and eternal being;
i am joy, love, compassion and peace;
i am in love, I am love;
i am the passion of the universe.

i am.
i am just me at the bottom of an ocean of air.

Saturday, December 22, 2012

Rule of thirds

Yesterday this time I was at the beach, Tiffany's in Salt Rock. A scorcher of a day, I was grateful to be in the shade at the exact point that vegetation meets beach. Clutching a slithery-wet-cool bottle of milk stout and smoking for a change, I comprehended the world, the most beautiful world, from the rule of thirds' perspective: shadow, beach, ocean / sky.

Right now I'm sitting at a table sipping a cafe in the perfectly peaceful eye of the storm that is Christmas shopping frenzy on 22 December. Words and calmly tuned into the still, quite voice within. Despite the maelstrom.

'Be still and know that I am God.'

Amidst the hurry, flurry, noise and spending I'm at one with my Creator. Needing some space and desiring to be alone, I've come to Gateway in Umhlanga knowing it would be packed. In my anonymity, despite the crowds, I'm enjoying my time alone with Charles.

Here he has perspective. Here he is free.

On another note: Charles, after having not stepped into a Catholic Church since he was, ironically, confirmed in the Church in 1983, and after a long, winding and deeply intensive journey since then, is again embracing his Catholic roots. That's despite Pope Benedict's repulsive homophobia; Charles is still grappling with that one.

A surge of people enter the mall through the automatic glass doors just behind where I'm sitting - on a red chair - at a tiny round table that's the colour of full cream milk. It's the breeze that enter with them that gently seeks my attention. Like an old friend.

Christmas in the Southern Hemisphere is something else: the weather service warned of extreme discomfort, humidity and heat along the coastline today. It's 31 degrees centigrade.

Thursday, December 20, 2012

Salt Rock Library

It's a beautiful sunny summer's afternoon.
For peace, and quiet I'm sitting at an old table in the library.
The whir-and-hum of the the air conditioner; the lone librarian talking Zulu on a phone; faint traffic noise from the road past the beach; someone's music box car pounding deeply but in no way that I can comprehend.
I've come here to surround myself with silent words and sentences, and the dreams of many writers ghost-breathing in and around my subconscious; this is a place of peace and calm and solitude.
It's an old fashioned place that harks back to an other world; old fashioned values.
Although I've purchased three ebooks online via my iPad in the last month, my first (and despite being a tactile man, and sentimental, I most definitely get it why ebooks are a future), I'm choosing a library for peace and comfort; I will always thrill at books.
I'm also choosing, today, to write real and inky words with a fountain pen in a an old fashioned CNA counter book (A4 - FEINT & MARGIN - 288 PAGES) that I bought for R21 (probably about £2).
I'm happily a nerd.